


Hallelujah

by amorekay



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Episode Related, Fear of Death, Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-03
Updated: 2010-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1973226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorekay/pseuds/amorekay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is terrified of death, but House embraces it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hallelujah

**Author's Note:**

> This is set around episode 4.3 (97 Seconds). Archiving old work from my [lj comm](http://paintpaperwings.livejournal.com/40171.html).

James is terrified of death. After being presented with his first cadaver in medical school, he went home and dreamed a series of nightmares: suicide by proxy, cancer eating through his skull and into his eyes, the cold clinical tinge to the voice of a professor cutting into his abdominal cavity as interested students look on. He woke up in a cold sweat, and the next day went back to school and stayed until the doors were locked and he was too exhausted to dream.

(The first time a child dies under his care, James throws up in the staff bathroom and comes out with a smile so plastic even the janitor looks concerned. By the time he’s celebrated his thirtieth birthday he has classic sympathy and flawless empathy down to an art, and he can tell someone they’re dying without so much as a break in composure. Every time, he’s terrified. 

He never throws up again.)

James is terrified of death, but House embraces it: James remembers the infarction clearly, how Stacy with her mouth drawn into a tight line said: “he was dead on the table for over a minute.” and all James can think about is his own nightmares and the sudden illogical bout of panic like the kind he gets when he’s about the tell a patient “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do.” House isn't a child and he’s not (he’s _not_ ) dying, but James wants to run away all the same. 

So when House sticks a knife in the electrical socket and then blames it - however covertly - on him, he neatly readjusts his tie and hurries, not screaming, down to the ER. The funny thing about James is: the more he’s afraid of something, the more it lingers on his mind, and the more natural it seems. He feels like he’s been waiting for this call, maybe for years, and it’s almost normal to see House laid out in the hospital cot like one of his patients, uneasy and docile.

House has the habit of saying things at the most inopportune of times, like he spends days thinking of ways to break James’ composure - “don’t flatter yourself, Jimmy” - so when House says “I love you,” all James can think about is how many near death experiences you’re allotted in a life time before your luck runs out. House is already up to three, and James isn’t sure he can bargain his own allowance in an attempt to get a few more _almosts_ for House. Maybe he already has, because that night he dreams of dying again and when he wakes up gasping all he can think is: not dead yet.

He takes an extra anti-depressant in the morning and wonders if this is what it feels like to be addicted.


End file.
